8-13-08 Not me

Re: Mid February

Feeling grateful that my Wife had nurtured and taken care of me during my time of need, My Person was feeling especially close to her. More importantly I was feeling especially grateful that she had been relatively supportive when I had rescinded my job application at the Cask. I decided to express my affection verbally, which was certainly out of character for me then & now.

“I love you more than ever.”

“Thanks”

Not getting any reciprocation I decided to do a little fishing – not expecting a right cross to the solar plexus of the psyche.

“How about you?”

“Not really.”

Expecting an equivalent expression of deep-felt affection this was a pail of cold water in the face.

“Not really?”

“Not at all. To be honest it’s been very difficult having you around day & night. You’re there when I wake up and then when I go to sleep. I’m used to having some alone time.”

Internally: “Whoa! Rejected.”

Externally: “So that’s one of the reasons you keep pestering me about the job situation.”

“That and the money. I couldn’t believe it when you said this had been the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s been the worst for me. Wondering what the future has in store and fearing the worst. Plus your behavior has not been exactly reassuring – with your erratic mood and energy swings.”

“You’ve just got to trust me that things will work out just fine.”

“How can I trust you when you said you were going back to work on Monday – then changed your mind and backed out on Wednesday?”

Internally “Ouch! Would like to get in a discussion about meta-trust and such but I can sense this is one of those talks that go round and round in incomplete circles – going nowhere – wasting a lot of chi energy – which I don’t have. No. Abandon this direction. About face. Keep it concrete. That’s what she understands.”

“I’m going to get some money from the government one way or another.”

“We haven’t seen a cent yet.”

Internally: “Whoa!” As I begin one of my episodes – swooning and losing focus. “Too much emotion expended on this one. Don’t have the energy to give. Should be disappointed that she doesn’t reciprocate my love – but I just don’t heave enough vitality to create the drama. Must go the path of least resistance.”

“Are you worried about money?”

“Yes. With you out of work and not knowing when you’ll be going back. Who wouldn’t be under the same circumstances?”

Internally: “Ouch!! Harsh. Feel the hard cold edge of her words. But I just don’t have enough energy to feel ‘poor me’. It weakens me too much.”

Externally: “I’m really sorry. I’ve been so wiped out I didn’t realize how much stress this has been putting on you.”

“It’s been terrible. Not knowing if you’re going to get any better. Thinking we’ve solved the problem with the Lyme Disease diagnosis - then not. Thinking you’re going back to work – then not. Having the Workmen's Comp Doctor give his OK, you reapplying and then backing out – because of some mental problem, I think it might be a good idea for you to see a psychiatrist.”

Internally: “Aurgh! Hit me when I’m down. She doesn’t trust me. She thinks all my pro0blems are in my head, But Whoa! I don’t have anything left for this emotional drama. Watch it pass.”

Externally: “Really?”

“It couldn’t hurt. Why not? The doctor from the Clinic said he could recommend someone.”

Internally: “Interesting. I had no idea she though I was a mental case. My self-perception was that I was a pillar of strength. Evidently she thinks of me as fit for the loony bin instead. A bit disappointing, to say the least. But the excitement of the conflagration of disappointment and outrage are way beyond what I’m capable of. Too wilted.”

Externally: “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“Just talk about your problems – those things that give you anxiety or spark depression or panic attacks.”

Internally: “I want to say ‘I’m worried about our relationship and your lack of respect for me.’ No that would hurt her feelings and make her mad. I don’t have the energy to deal with that. Plus that would serve no good end. Just spin her anxiety and care wheel a little faster.”

Quietly: ‘Depression? Panic attacks? Who are your talking about?”

“You. You have all the symptoms. Heart palpitations – thinking you're going to die. I read about them on the Internet.”

Internally: “Whoa! This girl is worked up. Must calm her down. Reflect her concerns. Strange – the sick comforting the healthy. The Universe certainly sends of some strange tests.”

Externally: “So you’re feeling cramped by my presence?”

“Definitely. You’ve even stopped going to Tai Chi as regularly.”

“You’re used to being by yourself. My being home has interrupted the momentum of your Data Stream, which is, of course, disturbing.”

“Totally. Don’t get me wrong. I still love you and all, but I could definitely do to see you less.“

“Like the Workman’s Comp Doctor said ‘Till death do us part – but not for lunch.’”

“Exactly.”

“Well, I‘ll try to make a point to leave the house more frequently. I’ve just been so dissipated; plus I can barely walk- much less leave. But I’ll put the thought in my mind – Organ/church Tai Chi/park – when I have the energy – which I’m losing right now. “

“I’m glad we had this conversation.”

“So am I.”

Internally “Even my wife thinks I’m a loser. Would run away and hide – go in my room and sulk – but I only have the drive to tend my creations and play the organ. Ah well. Maybe I‘ll have enough energy to be neurotic again. Hopefully some time soon.”