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Reflecting upon the July 29^th reflection upon the June 25^th reflection – so classically human – (See Deconstructing the Verbal Reality.)

Seeking the meta-perspective – so abstract – so me – so Lehman – so not Rubin - so not Laurie, my wife, who is ultimately concrete, which is why she provides me with so much stability – my tether to the earth – keeping me grounded by the strength of her personal gravity.

So my Person had always thought that a scientist, artist, writer, composer had an idea and then turned that idea into a reality. For instance a photographer sees something beautiful or intriguing and attempts to capture the essence of this image she has in her mind. (This was the essence of Miranda’s utterance: “Exact equivalence is impossible so embrace the inexactitude of Art.” (an obviously distorted paraphrase).) My Person, as Father, saw some photographs of his beloved family in the Yucatan and made a futile, yet valiant, attempt to communicate the depth of his affection for his daughters and wife combined with the mystery and awe of his Mayan surroundings in two paintings, Chichinitza & the Cup of Fire and The Spirits of Tulum. His lack of training combined with his innate inability required that he draw in the magnetic lines of force – the personal auras – to enable him to vaguely suggest the human forms, the exquisite stone architecture, the mysterious cloud forms and spirits in his environment that he was so fascinated by. Idea -> Intent -> Execution.

This artistic model was somewhat accurate when applied to his paintings except to the extent that due to his ineptitude he was forced to embrace the accidental nature of Art rather than even hint at perfect replication. Perhaps this was his salvation. Indeed it was only many years later that he truly understood the real nature of his Art – i.e. make a decent drawing of his intended image based upon lines of force and spirals and then abandon realism for the abstract when applying the paint. Let the drawing maintain the realism and let the color shatter it.

So even my Person’s experience with Oil Painting suggests a revised model of creation, at least for the collection of neural networks, which holds that which is considered to be me together. This revised model starts with the Muse – an ungraspable essence, which is separate from the Person. If the Person opens himself up to her influence she possesses his Being to effect her Ends. The Person’s idea and intent are nearly non-existent and seem to be only an after thought of the Left Brain.

Note that the Muse construct is posited because of Ochham’s Law – choose the simplest explanation. If we go the physical route, we run into a quagmire of neurons, electrons, and quarks, which eventually and inevitably lead to simplifications that only a Doctor of Physiology can understand. Further these new constructs can only approximate the Muse and her influence – or probably kill the Creative process all together in the quest for rigidity and precision. My only point being that I don’t posit a Muse lightly – but am forced to due to the nature of my creative experience – pursued over 30 years.

What are these facts that Brain, my Left Brain, is attempting to understand. First why the misunderstanding? Perhaps due to our educational upbringing – where the teacher makes assignments and the student executes them to the best of his ability. Or the next step when the teacher assigns an Independent Study project where the students are able to initiate the project themselves. These assignments are invariably accompanied by consultations, outlines, project goals, and regular deadlines – presumably both to keep the student on track and because of the misconception that we are masters of our destiny.

Misconception – a strong word, perhaps a bit judgmental. Pardon my egotistic pride. Perhaps I should say instead - Although some might be in charge my life experience shows me that I am but a leaf in the wind or maybe just a surfer putting myself in position to catch the wave. But I have nothing to do with creating the wave. I’m just grateful for the ability that allows me to ride it.

Now these facts stand in opposition to Brain’s previous and seemingly commonly held conceptions of the creative process. It was only 20 years later that I finally understood what I was attempting to achieve with my Oil Paintings. It was only decades later in my late 50s that I understood what the improvisational music that I had been creating since my 20s was all about. It was only this year when I was almost 58 that I understood what Butter, my Science, and the Southeast Asia trilogy really dealt with. (See the July 29^th entry.)

Indeed although I have written a multitude of books – too many to enumerate easily, I have never set out to write a book. Sometimes, as in the case of my Science, it was only much later, as in decades, that I even realized I had written a book – in this case 3. Other times I would start writing about something – say China, and then wake up months later – having written hundreds of pages – comprising a several hundred thousand words – enough for 3 or 4 books. Or how about the time my Person began drinking Jasmine Downey Pearls Tea – sat down to sketch some diagrams he had in his mind that were begging to get out – and then months later he emerged from a trance – not even knowing what he had written. Then he sat down to transcribe it to figure out what he had written. A few months down the road he decided to call it the Firing Process or Deconstructing the Verbal Reality. I would really like to tell you what it’s about but I was in such a trance when I wrote it combined with the rapidity of its execution that I can only imagine its content.

My only point, presumably, at least I think, is that I was not an active agent in my creations except in the sense that I put my Person in position to catch these divine waves, inspired by the Muse, and then allowed him to catch them, or at least didn’t block his progress. If I had followed the tradition model of creation that my upbringing dictated I would still be at my desk with a pen in my hand wondering what to write – thinking I was too incompetent to say anything substantial – questioning my arrogance that I was talented enough to contribute anything substantial to the world at large – considering my lack of education and training. Instead I have allowed my Person to manifest as the Muse sees fit - catching the Waves she sends my way – expression gratitude that she has chosen me for such an unusual role. A direct agent I am not. Instead of attempting to choose the path I attempt to get out of the Way. Allowing my Flower to blossom and bear Fruit.

Indeed many of my emotional and creative problems have emerged when Brain attempted to seize control rather than just help out – (a major theme of the Ma Belle trilogy, which has been such a dud (judgmental Left Brain speaking).) Bring it to a close – tighten the spiral before it spins out of control – Enough said. The end.