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Employing the Self-Reflection technique which differentiates us as human beings: Why is it that I feel impelled to give a blow-by-blow description of my variety of physical, emotional, & psychic trials and tribulations? Is it stated as a warning? ÔDonÕt go into the restaurant business, if you know whatÕs good for you.Õ No, pain and suffering come to every life – no matter which choices are made. Life is suffering, as the Yogis say.
Is it to brag? ÔHey, IÕve made it through my many ordeals and am still standing – barely.Õ Perhaps. But itÕs actually sort of embarrassing to go through a Nervous Breakdown. Like Bankruptcy itÕs not something you want to spread around. Hard time finding a job – friends shun you and change the conversation – rather think happy thoughts. Your family looking askance at you - wondering if everything is all right - nervously inspecting your every move – wondering when the Ultimate Collapse will come.
Then perhaps to tear away Ego by revealing my PersonÕs weakness to the world – shred my Persona. Oh well, itÕs not real anyway – just a scab that needed to be ripped off. A little pain – definitely sensitive underneath – but then it can heal.
I must bring us back to the glory of the present moment – wispy clouds around a setting sun – mid summer – listening to my latest improv – 'Open Road to Nowhere' Relishing in the yells, screams and screeches – the trademarks of my one and only very own Primal Music. No tradition – No example - No listeners. And I am amazed at myself – what I can do and have done. Proud like a mother of this child IÕve raised since he came screaming out of his motherÕs womb – yanked miserably out of the safe security of his motherÕs belly. Ouch! But hey. What a fascinating place out here. Not so bad after all! Wow! Look at that big glowing orb shining through the vegetation – sending out rainbow hues against the screams of resignation.
No, my goal is to juxtapose lifeÕs agony against the exquisite glory of just being here w/you at sunset. Just you and me disappearing into the One on the Open Road to Nowhere. I Ôm not here – Disappear. And the Sun throws out one last gasp of color against the encroaching darkness - not going softly, but beautifully, into the good night. Screaming out noiselessly in the deepest jungle – with no one anywhere around. Just hoping that maybe somewhere someone just might see this light emanating from the Wilderness. And that just maybe it might light their way – allowing them to miss one of the many pitfalls that seem to loom up mysteriously on our Open Road to Nowhere.
Resigned we accept our Fate. Darn, another obstacle blocking our way. And then we begin decorating the walls of this, oh so small, flat - perhaps the size of a garage –when I think I deserve a mansion. But then lost in the music and the words – God Bless Reality – as the waves of acceptance wash over me- – entering another state of Grace – despite the agonies that IÕve faced and still have to confront – head on.
No. Run away before it's too late – impending Doom – Gloom – Boom – and my Crust shatters – leaving only the Luminous Egg underneath. And somehow despite rejection, relative obscurity, the enduring rollercoaster of vitality and emotions, the Light continues to shine. & Like Job I am able to stand in Awe of the Majesty – and Bow Down and Pray – Expressing my Gratitude for my Role in this Play – somehow believing that someday somewhere sometime someone will read this messy paper and come away refreshed – maybe my future Me.
And so I need the black of night for the light to be seen. For now the spectacle of a glorious sunset overshadows the Light – gradients of hues transitioning from one ordered chaos to another – seamlessly without effort, without complaint or praising. No gratitude or platitude either.) How can anything compete with that?
And so, instead of enumerating all that I have to be grateful for, so that youÕre jealous of me and wish me dead, dying, misfortune, accident, illness – cancer or heart disease, I reveal the pain and suffering IÕve endured. Instead youÕll say, ÒI donÕt want that guyÕs life. It seems too hard. Too much pain and suffering for me. But I hope he makes it thru – his chances from slim to none.
But, Whoa! Look at those colors as he sinks below the horizon. Listen to that Scream as he is lowered slowly into his Grave. Feel the soft gentle breeze upon his fevered brow – as he has just vomited – refreshed for the moment – but waiting for the next episode, hesitantly, maybe even a little fearfully.
So with the Dark surrounding my Person, the unassailable Light shines out spectacularly.