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Weird energy flow – as usual.
In Portland for youngest daughter Mirandas graduation from PNCA, an exceptional art college located in downtown Portland – her beloved boyfriend Kamdens graduation as well. As a bonus oldest daughter Serena brought her boyfriend Kurt down from Seattle for the occasion. First time ever – Six of us – three couples – both daughters with partners.
Met Kurt less than an hour ago – very impressed. He seems gentle, kind & stable –– just what Serena needs – what most of us need. She seems to be very pleased and proud – as are we.
But this morning had an episode. Guess Ill just have to deal with it.
What is this episode? The normal – lightheaded, difficult focusing, weak.
Just endure and youll make it through. You always do. Remember: this too shall pass. Just wait it out. And suddenly youll feel normal again.
Walking around the gorgeous streets of Portland – wondering how itll be meeting Ss new beau in my present fragmented state – as my wife Laurie babbles merrily w/Miranda about our exquisite surroundings – The agapanthus are really beautiful this time of the year. – I didnt know that Maple trees did will here – And look at sumptuous colors on the those tulips. – & I cant believe the diverse architecture. – What a beautiful view of the city. & so forth & so on.
Cloudlike thoughts pass through diminishing awareness and blocking appreciation. Will I lose consciousness in the middle of our conversation? – [although this has never happened] – Or will my Person return to normality in the nick of time? – Does anyone know what state Im in? – Must continue faking it. Dont want to ruin anyones time. – Hope I can maintain the faade for just a little while longer.
Feel like Leo, our Jack Russell terrier – up for the action – neurotic in off times – as he follows either L or I around – pathetically shuffling w/tail tucked under as he attempts to squeeze between our legs – presumably for security. And then the next moment ready to chase the ball down 3 flights of stairs and back again to impress a random visitor – seemingly back to normal. Thats me.
As soon as we saw Serena & Kurt I began to pick up – then was operating full speed mid afternoon at coffee/tea time – perhaps perked by the caffeine from the Jasmine Downy Pearls Id been sipping on – or perhaps not.
There are no solutions to my condition – physical & mental – only temporary fixes – which seem to work long enough to get the job done. But then I collapse – or should I say deflate – wondering how Im going to be able to continue. And then as suddenly as it began it ends – & Im back to my normal energy and focus.
I used to call that normality. I thought of this as my true and real self – my enlightened state – when everything is crystal clear combined with an abundance of energy. Life was good & bounteous – so simple. The truth shall set you free. – Suffering is just a mental illusion. – & so forth. All this verbiage turns into so much gibberish, when my chi bubble deflates and I can barely put one foot in front of the other – much less generate a coherent and consistent thought pattern.
My projects and the possibility of even working on them fades into the distant & evaporating past category. How could my Person even conceive of these worldly motivations, much less pursue them? Collapsed in the fetal position in some corner somewhere – wondering how Ill get up enough energy up to take another step.
Because of these radical mood oscillations I can no longer maintain the illusion that one is me, the other not. I must face the Reality of a split personality, ala Jekyll & Hyde – from pumped up and ready to extend outward into the stratosphere – to deflated and crunched by the atmosphere itself.
Already in the three day weve been here Ive been thru the cycle twice. Feeling relatively good when we left Santa Barbara. Then a pressure headache on the flight to Portland – not quite cross-eyed. I try to regain my equilibrium with a city walk with Miranda and Kamden - instead my feet hurt – take a few Advil – sometimes helps – revived for a delicious dinner at an Indian restaurant & into the next day. Going strong all day Friday– and then Saturday morning deflation – until this afternoon. Ah well, Dr. Jekyll /Mr. Hyde. Wholl it be next? Actually the Artist & the Drone.
Must endure – for one follows the other as inevitably as men follow women – as yang follows yin. Perhaps a food or liquid deficiency or not – perhaps too much wine, or not enough – perhaps too much sex, or not enough – perhaps too much intoxication or not enough – perhaps too much activity or not enough.
Maybe I wore the wrong shoes – the same ones that were perfect yesterday. The Perfect Shoes?! Bah. Birkenstocks, sandals, Reeboks, Air Jordans or SAS – each had their moment of perfection and then their moment of excruciating pain – as if a vise grip was breaking my bones – or maybe someone had slipped some rocks inside to torture the pads of my feet. So frustrating! Aurgh! Teaching me to be flexible – expect no permanent fixes or solutions – only a continuing rollercoaster of emotional and mental states – from energized to enervated and back again.
Well its nice to be back again – for the time being, at least. Listening to Garage Door on my Best of CD – #10. More Noise – specifically generated for this trip. But I m getting tired now and must rest up for our big Graduation Dinner tonight at Fenouil, a fancy gourmet restaurant in downtown Portland, to celebrate Ms passage from school – signifying that we are old enough to lay claim to two college graduates. And so on & so forth. Signing out before I burn out.