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So here I am: sitting on my bed in DayÕs Inn, a bargain hotel Ð a few hookers and the USC Baseball team in the lobby- in downtown Seattle, the bottom of the Triple A hotel chain. Overlooking the majestic river of cars traveling down 7th street with an incredible view of the Hurricane CafŽ Ð open 24 hours. Ð with its revolving neon sign that regularly flashes its brittle white light into our low rate hotel room. Listening to the first 4 cuts off my latest CD Ð ÔBarely HereÕ. Singing to its disjoint melodies Ð rocked to the core with their originality combined with intentionality Ð having just had marvelous sex with my wife of some 30 odd years Ð Again & Again & Again.
And IÕm in heaven Ð visiting my 2 girls here in the Pacific Northwest Ð No sense of the inadequacy or urgency to complete my LifeÕs Destiny Ð that seems to plague my moods like gnats in the forest. So am I bragging? - boasting about my LifeÕs position Ð where IÕve ended up at the over ripe age of 57 Ð complete with the aches and pains that afflict those of us who continue to plod on past our mid century birthday Ð Ouch! And maybe I am bragging a little Ð but more importantly, maybe not. For I know that I will most surely be wallowing in self pity soon for not fulfilling my lifeÕs ambitions Ð for regret over wrong choices on LifeÕs Path - for the lack of an audience to share my creations with Ð for my unrecognized genius Ð take your pick. I can be depressed about most anything.
And due to the fact that I am fully aware that I have created the Game I am losing and that the attendant emotions are equally absurd Ð But that I canÕt do anything about the runaway anxiety. And because I am fully aware of the absurdity of my self-created misery and my inability to do anything about this internal agony Ð Brain, who I confuse with myself, then begins throwing epithets at my Person Ð as if he is one of the most reviled creature on the Planet. Of course this leads to another round of self-misery and sense of defeat, which spirals ever downwards Ð until finally for some reason - perhaps my external circumstances change Ð leading always eventually to this elevated frame of mind, where everything is perfect - couldnÕt be better - even the imperfection of my past indiscretions are so human that I love them too Ð my sense of inadequacy before the Great World out there Ð overwhelmed by my microscopic puniness - led by my absolute adoration of my daughters.
Once again here I am sitting in a cheap hotel with a tawdry view of the seedy dirty downtown Ð and IÕm in heaven Ð listening to my last song Ð ÔGoing to see my DaughtersÕ Ð and tears of gratitude cloud my vision for the role IÕve been given to play in this life. So my real point is that É IÕve written this self same journal from a variety of external locations Ð from the sublime Ð overlooking the majestic Mt. Rainier and the sky line of Seattle from the 13th floor at sunset Ð to the ridiculous Ð overlooking the tawdry flow of humanity Ð and in-between. And in each case I attained the exact same state of At-One-Ment Ð the sense of universal perfection Ð attuned to the exquisite nature of the suchness of things. The obvious conclusion from these related events is that arriving at this state of internal Bliss has very little to do with the things that money can buy (within limits of course) and much more to do with the positioning of oneÕs Person to allow him or her to attain this sublime sense of wonderment from time to time Ð to maintain the illusion that weÕve attained some kind of mastery over LifeÕs Play Ð when it is merely by the grace of God, Universe, whatever. Thank you. Amen.