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6-15-07 Morning: Letting go of Bitterness to join in the Fun

Learned an important lesson yesterday. Rather than holding onto bitterness, join the fun – or perhaps even initiate it. Thinking myself a Person I’m reluctant to even share this petty incident because I’m afraid you will look down on me. The irony is that the ‘you’ that will do the looking is far in the future after theses events have transpired and the ‘me’ that is afraid of being compromised will be long gone before the ‘you’ that is reading this document even peruses the first word. Plus the ‘me’ that I think persists is actually a constantly changing entity with very little substance – if any at all. So bearing in mind, for my own sake, that it is unlikely this will ever be read – that the personalities referred to are already fading memories – let us proceed on with the narrative.

Let me leave a paper trail behind for all to see my dirty underwear - to perceive my mean spirited immature side which should certainly not be emulated in any way. Any way I used to enjoy getting up in the morning – meditating- smoking a little and then going back to bed for a little manero – morning sex. But then Leo, our Jack Russell terrier, began guarding the bed – not allowing me back into our crib. Going with the flow – trying not to be attached to circumstances, I first make my appeal to Laurie. This went unheeded – ‘She enjoyed her morning sleep and was exhausted by the manero.’

So according to my fate – I adjusted my routine – no more manero – Just waiting for her to call me to her bedchamber. But sometimes the call came later than my bodily urges dictated. Rather than take action when I could – (frequently I was too tired at the end of the night from wine, working, or reading, while in the morning I felt I needed to get upright for a while to be inspired and motivated. Starting from a dead start I was sluggish and lethargic.) Unfortunately this quandary, this dilemma, left me bitter until the nest time I was called – when all was forgiven – come Home. But then recently the lag was excessive – due to extensive home remodeling projects – a show in Santa Monica and then Miranda & Camden, my daughter and her boyfriend, arriving from Portland. Attempting to be above it – only buried my frustration deeper – turning it into minor acts of retaliation – which took the form of ‘See if I’m going to be happy with you. My bitterness will bring you down to my level. – tainting your joy.’ Of course these episodes were hidden from view – unrevealed even to me- but subliminally happening never thee less. Then Miranda made the casual comment that she didn’t like the taste of cherimoya – a tropical fruit- if you, my nonexistent reader didn’t know. At this point without thinking I responded that I had learned to enjoy the taste of cherimoya through Laurie’s enthusiasm. Any way this insight laid the seeds and the next morning I initiated love making in the morning without getting up and losing my spot. I just tuned into L’s enthusiasm, which eventually translates into my own – letting the bitterness of denied opportunities go to join in the fun. Anyway a somewhat trivial but significant event.