Well here it is some 15 years after MirandaÕs Graduation from pre-school. She is now attending PNCA, an art college in Portland, while her sister Serena is finishing off her MasterÕs degree at the University of Washington in Seattle. Both daughters left home to go away to college immediately after high school and have only returned for visits. Who would have ever thought? Both slept with us until they voluntarily chose to vacate our collective crib for their own bed. Many at the time warned us about this unconventional practice.
ÒYouÕre spoiling them. They will grow up dependent and needy.Ó
ÒYouÕve got to get them into their own crib as soon as possible so they develop a sense of self. If they sleep with you they will have a hard time disconnecting from you.Ó
And so forth and so on.
Not that we listened to any of this verbal garbage, immersed as we are and were in the ÔnaturalÕ wayÕ - whatever seems right as long as it is based in love - but how ironic is it that our daughters are so independent that they never came back home.
What a gyp!
Probably we smothered them with so much love that they needed to get away from the safe confines of our harmonious household. If we had of only known we would have treated them neurotically so that they would have been too afraid to leave home. Then our emotionally dependent children would never have left home and we would be complaining that they needed to grow up.
I guess you really canÕt win. Raise them well and they leave home to conquer the world. Raise them poorly and they never want to depart. Ah well. LifeÕs curses and blessings are many times mixed. Therein lies the Hindu notion that life is suffering.
This is dealt with in the Ramayama, their first novel and probably the first in the world. A king laments that he has no children to carry on the kingdom. The gods hear his moaning and grant him his request. But there is catch. There always is. His son is to be born a hero. Every parentÕs dream, right? Well as mentioned with every blessing comes a curse.
So the kingÕs son is born at the appointed time. He lives up to all expectations. He is noble in spirit and a great warrior to boot. All love him and he is given the best training possible.
Then comes pay-back time. In his teenage years after he has gone through the best instruction his father could obtain, a guru warrior comes for the child to give him some advance training.
The king objects strenuously: ÒMy son is not properly prepared. He needs to stay at home for some more time. Besides IÕm not ready to give him up yet.Ó
Guru: ÒSorry. ItÕs necessary for him to receive some advanced training so that he can save the human world and the divine world of the gods which are both ruled by a monstrous demon, who has usurped power.Ó
King: ÒNo! Not that. Anything but that. IÕll go instead. Take me. Please. Spare my son. Please!Ó
Guru: ÒYou arenÕt properly trained. The demon would just consume you as an appetizer. Besides the gods have ordained it.Ó
King: ÒNo!!!!Õ
The king proceeds to have a nervous breakdown after his son leaves.
The story of every parent with every child who has been raised to be a hero - to make a difference. The small confines of home are no longer sufficient to challenge their prodigious talents. They need to leave home to conquer the world. Aurgh!
The inevitable pain of life. It doesnÕt quite seem fair. But it is part of the transitory nature of existence. Reserve your emotions by callusing your Heart and your feelings are numb and you are not quite alive. Or love deeply and feel the pain of separation. Truly alive. Ouch!
Speaking of which. LaurieÕs mother Phyliss has just entered into the care of Hospice, which means that she has refused any further medical treatment and is just waiting to die. She has stopped eating or drinking and is barely speaking anymore.
What happened to this vibrant lady, who has been such an inspiration to all who entered her presence?
Diagnosed with late stage breast cancer a few years ago. Has fought it with drugs, radiation and chemo. Has been injected with more needles than a pin cushion. Has been tested more than a college student. Has undergone one medical ordeal after another. Entered the hospital under emergency circumstances more times than I can easily enumerate.
The most recent and final time was triggered by the interminable tests that are done to save her life. Although her spine is curved from a lifetime of medication including lots of cortisone, her doctor decided to put her in a metal tube for a Pet scan that would presumably determine where the cancer had spread.
Immediately upon leaving this metal coffin, Phyliss, my mother-in-law began screaming in agony - and sheÕs one tough lady - having gone through multiple medical emergencies throughout her 79 years of life. They immediately hospitalized and medicated her. Shortly thereafter she experienced an excruciating lung attack, whereby one of her arteries to her lungs became briefly clogged. Simultaneously a doctor who had been assigned to her case looked at her X-rays and determined that there was really no more that medical science could reasonably do to prolong her life. He reluctantly recommended Hospice as a way to ensure that the quality of her remaining life was the best it could possibly be under the circumstances.
Sob! The noble struggle is at an end. Any day now we are going to receive the call that it is all over.
But before she returned home to die with her beloved husband Ted with their many cats, we - Laurie, my wife, Nancy, PhylissÕ sister, and myself, visited her in the hospital.
Shock! All that remained of her luxuriant, beautiful, long brown hair that she had been adorned with as recently as a month prior was a few wisps of gray hair - the other having fallen out due to the prescribed chemotherapy that was to presumably lengthen her life. Her body, recently frail due to the cancer combined with medical treatments, had now turned skeletal - her head looking like a skull.
But, after the initial shock and involuntary sobs, the Phyliss smile and indomitable spirit peeked through.
Phyliss: ÒI love everyone so much. IÕve had such a marvelous life. IÕve been blessed beyond imagining to be surrounded by such wonderful people. I wouldnÕt change one moment of my life. Everything has been perfect. Not that I would have chosen this pain, but itÕs almost over now.Ó
Laurie breaks down weeping -throwing herself on her motherÕs breast.
Phyliss: ÒGo ahead and cry. ItÕs good to mourn.Ó
Me: ÒTrue. It washes the chains ÉÓ I begin silently crying unable to continue with my sentence - the unspoken Òfrom your heart.Ó
Phyliss: ÒYou have been a marvelous son-in-law. Our relation has been incredibly special with all the massages IÕve given you. My fingers on your skin. I remember how magnificent you looked in TosiaÕs dance class.Ó
Me silently tearful: ÒIt has been great.Ó
Remembering the bi-monthly hour and half long massages that Phyliss had given me after they moved to Ventura - after barely escaping financial disaster in Santa Barbara. Reminiscing about her upbeat attitude even then.
Phyliss: ÒYou know we were so afraid of bankruptcy. But it was the best thing that ever happened to us. It led to TedÕs Internet business on E-Bay and my massage practice with all my beautiful clients. It would never have happened without the financial problems. We were freed from of our financial anxiety. This has been the best part of our lives.Ó
Me: ÒSince the near bankruptcy?Ó
Phyliss: ÒDefinitely. I lost a lot of weight due to the massage. I feel better than ever. And Ted finally has a job he enjoys. After all this time, who would have ever guessed?Ó
Me: ÒSo the dread was far worse than the reality.Ó
Phyliss: ÒSO much worse. It felt like a boil had been opened up, allowing us to heal.Ó
Me: ÒIÕm so impressed with your positive attitude.Ó
Phyliss: ÒCircumstances are in the hand of God. Attitude is all that you are really in control of. Why not be positive?Ó
Breaking from the reverie.
Phyliss: ÒNo regrets. Take care of your legs. That is your weak spot. Watch your circulation. I love everyone so much I canÕt express it words.Ó
Laurie continues to sob, while Nancy fights back the tears.
Phyliss: ÒBut IÕm ready to return to my Maker. Perhaps after I return home to Ted, my angel, and my darlings, the cats. I canÕt wait. After all IÕve finished all of my projects - just completed the last one. IÕm ready to go now.Ó
Nobody says anything as our tear ducts have opened the flood gates.
Phyliss: ÒThere, there. Just let it all out.Ó
To counteract any misunderstandings that I may have created about the medical profession, I want to stress that the intervention - no matter how painful or disruptive to her life - what with the constipation and nausea caused by the medication that was meant to heal her - not to mention the innumerable medical appointments and treatments with all the painful pokes and prods - that the intervention allowed her to ride to the top of the roller coaster of life again and again in her last few years.
Phyliss: ÒI refuse to allow any of that stuff to get me down. I have projects to finish. I have a lot of life left in these old bones.Ó
Not only did she polish up the artifacts that Ted sold on E-Bay - painting, sanding, and repairing the stuff accumulated at garage sales - turning it from junk to treasure, she also produced up to 20 more pieces of her unique form of art - Ôactually some of my best piecesÕ. Her specialty for decades, at irregular internals, has been taking colored glass and arranging it artistically on a clear window pane - Ôso that the light can shine through. It is so beautiful.Õ
So although the medicine might have been what eventually killed her, it was also what prolonged her life, allowing her to finish her Mission on this plane of existence. So although I would have counseled no medical intervention from the first diagnosis - (I only thought it secretly to myself), everything occurred naturally, as it should. She and Ted held on as long as they could and then let go fearlessly. Like dead wood breaking off in a storm, rather than live wood pruned for convenience.
So a beautiful woman, who has embraced the pain and beauty of life with an incredibly upbeat attitude despite a series of difficult physical setbacks - starting with the removal of one of her lungs in her 20s - is about to die a natural death at home with her loved ones. The universe will surely share our grief and tears that such a joyous presence will be with us no longer.